Surface-level relationships, and how to go one layer deeper.

oneWhat does surface level mean?

Surface level means dealing only with the outside of something, not what lies underneath. A surface-level conversation stays on safe topics such as work, plans and the weather. A surface-level relationship is one that mostly lives in those conversations. A surface-level person, in everyday speech, is someone who keeps most exchanges there.

None of that is a judgement. Small talk is where nearly every close friendship once started. The difference between a surface-level conversation and a deep one is usually not the topic, it is whether someone asks one question further and the other person answers honestly.

twoCommon signs of a surface-level relationship

A surface-level relationship is not a bad relationship. Some are meant to stay light, and that is fine. These are the signs that a relationship is staying on the surface, which matters most when you would like it to become closer.

• You mostly talk about the same topicsWork, plans, shows, the weekend. Pleasant, easy, and rarely about how either of you is actually doing.
• It is friendly but never personalYou enjoy the time together, and you would still hesitate to mention something that is really on your mind.
• You know facts, not storiesYou know where they work and what they like to eat. You do not know what they are hoping for this year.
• It is built around one activityYou see each other at work, at the gym or at the same table on Fridays. Take the activity away and there is not much left to talk about yet.

threeWhy relationships stay on the surface

Surface level is where conversations go when nobody steers them anywhere else. A few reasons it happens so often:

• Small talk is the defaultMost conversations follow quiet rules about staying comfortable. Those rules are useful: they let lots of people get along easily. They also keep most exchanges on the surface.
• Nobody wants to go firstBoth people may want a closer conversation, and each waits for the other to open up. So nobody does.
• Busy weeksShort messages and quick meetups keep a friendship going without giving it room to grow.
• A little bit of riskSaying something honest can feel slightly awkward. Most people would rather skip the awkward moment, so the conversation stays where it is.

The good news is that the step below the surface is usually small. It takes one person deciding that a slightly more honest sentence is worth a moment of awkwardness.

four5 ways to take any conversation one layer deeper

1. Share something slightly more personalInstead of "Work has been busy", try "Work has been getting to me lately, I feel like I am always catching up." It gives the other person something real to answer.
2. Ask questions that need more than one wordSwap "How was your weekend?" for "What was the best part of your week?" or "What has been on your mind lately?" Open questions make room for a story.
3. Follow up on what they saidWhen someone mentions something that matters to them, ask about it again later. "How did that conversation with your sister go?" can mean more than an hour of small talk.
4. Make time without an activityA walk, a coffee, a call with nothing else going on. Some conversations only go deeper once there is enough quiet time for them.
5. Let them know the real you, a little at a timeYou do not have to share everything. Start small: what you actually think, what you are looking forward to, what you are unsure about. People tend to answer openness with openness.

Borrow a first line

• “What has been the best part of your week?”Easy to answer, and almost never answered with one word.
• “What are you looking forward to right now?”Moves the conversation from facts to hopes.
• “What is something you changed your mind about this year?”An invitation to think out loud together.
• “What does an ordinary evening look like for you?”Small question, often a surprisingly personal answer.

More openers live on our conversation starters page.

fiveWhat the research says about going deeper

Closeness can be built on purpose. In Aron and colleagues’ 1997 study, pairs of people who had never met took turns answering a set of questions that slowly became more personal. After about 45 minutes they felt noticeably closer than pairs who spent the same time on small talk.

People also tend to overestimate how awkward a deeper conversation will be. Kardas, Kumar and Epley (2022) found that people expected deep conversations with someone new to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they turned out to be, and so chose shallower topics than they would have liked.

Sources: Aron, A. et al. (1997), Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin; Kardas, M., Kumar, A. & Epley, N. (2022), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. More numbers in our friendship statistics.

sixPractise with a real voice from somewhere else in the world

Going one layer deeper is easier when you have done it a few times. Mindfuse is one quiet place to practise: you tap once and talk, by voice, with a real person somewhere else in the world who also wanted to talk right now. There are no profiles and no photos, so the conversation is the only thing there.

A good place to start is a question about their day. Ask what an ordinary evening looks like where they are, or what people there do on a Sunday. Our Life in pages have more questions worth asking. After each call you get a Weave, an artwork made from how you talked, never from your words.

eightRead more